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Food for thought
INDONESIAN Foreign Minister Hassan Wirajuda has defended his country's continued use of the death penalty, saying it had executed fewer people since independence in 1945 than the US executes in a year.
You are hereby cordially invited to witness the auspicious wedding of Derrick Ducksheet and Sienna Slappar of County Durham, UK.
Time: 30 minutes before opening time.
Place: St Sheryl of the perpetual hangover holy trinity church, Newcastle.
Please leave gifts, flowers and good taste at the door. R.S.V.P
Disturbing signs
Its roomier than you may think.
Post labels: Juvenile humour
Carrot cake
This is a simple recipe but it tasted great. I didn't have cinnamon which the recipe called for but substituted ground ginger and it was fine. You can see the recipe for this cake here.
My yummy sponge cake
This is my Victoria sponge cake which was eaten very quickly. The next one was lopsided and I discovered (good ol' google) that uneven oven shelves causes uneven cooking...I'm learning all the time.
Opalized
Experiment in flash
I'm experimenting with Flash and this is the tutorial I followed for this. Flashenabledblog.com.
How to shower like a woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc..
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum..
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Fly a Helicopter
How the world measures up
English Imperial system of measurement (black) vs the metric system (green).
Btw, Britain is not totally converted because they still measure road distances in miles for some reason?
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo? An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe..'
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
Mur's handy home tips!
1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Missus about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem
(I didn't come up with these, I am just taking the credit)
On high in Sinai.
Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai, an Israeli researcher claimed in a study published this week.
Such mind-altering substances formed an integral part of the religious rites of Israelites in biblical times, Benny Shanon, a professor of cognitive psychology at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem wrote in the Time and Mind journal of philosophy.
"As far as Moses on Mount Sinai is concerned, it was either a supernatural cosmic event, which I don't believe, or a legend, which I don't believe either, or finally, and this is very probable, an event that joined Moses and the people of Israel under the effect of narcotics," Dr Shanon told Israeli public radio.
Dr Shanon, who says he himself has dabbled with such substances, says Moses was probably also on drugs when he saw the "burning bush".
"The Bible says people see sounds, and that is a classic phenomenon," he said, citing the example of religious ceremonies in the Amazon in which drugs are used that induce people to "see music." He mentioned his own experience when he used ayahuasca, a powerful psychotropic plant, during a religious ceremony in Brazil's Amazon forest in 1991.
"I experienced visions that had spiritual-religious connotations," he said. He said the psychedelic effects of ayahuasca were comparable to those produced by concoctions based on bark of the acacia tree, that is frequently mentioned in the Bible.
- AFP
Makes as much sense as the rest of the religious claptrap.
Prince Harry saves the world
Call me cynical but I don't believe for one minute that the pampered prince was actually in danger, let alone that he herocially staved off a determined insurgent attack.
Royal spindoctors try awfully hard and I believe that the gullible public and apathetic Brits swallow the soft-baked tripe they serve because they are so socialised to accept this archaic and elitist system and are afraid of change.
When was the last time a royal actually died in battle like the poor bastards that lose their lives or are maimed everyday?
George II at the Battle of Dettingen in 1743 was the last King to actually lead the troops and I think that if they want that kind of crediblity they should follow suit and station themselves in Basra and be exposed to actual danger and not stoop to being bit actors in some concocted day care centre in the middle of a desert that is well out of the firing line.
Joke of the day
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one!
What is eaten in one week around the world
Poland: The Sobczynscy family of Konstancin-Jeziorna. Food expenditure for one week: 582.48 Zlotys or $151.27 ($ US)
Germany: The Melander family of Bargteheide. Food expenditure for one week: 375.39 Euros or $500.07
Ecuador: The Ayme family of Tingo. Food expenditure for one week: $31.55
Bhutan: The Namgay family of Shingkhey Village. Food expenditure for one week: 224.93 ngultrum or $5.03
Italy: The Manzo family of Sicily. Food expenditure for one week: 214.36 Euros or $260.11
Mexico: The Casales family of Cuernavaca. Food expenditure for one week: 1,862.78 Mexican Pesos or $189.09
Egypt: The Ahmed family of Cairo. Food expenditure for one week: 387.85 Egyptian Pounds or $68.53
United States: The Revis family of North Carolina. Food expenditure for one week $341.98
Chad: The Aboubakar family of Breidjing Camp. Food expenditure for one week: 685 CFA Francs or $1.23
Now, you think you know English...no?
I have fellow students who's first language isn't English and they struggle with the subjects even though they understand the concepts. You don't have to look far to see how bewildering the English language can be.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Oooops!
Hey Earl....! You fink that thar bridge will support our weight?
Cletus, you just git up thar and drive that veeheecal...Ahhm the brains of this here outfit!
